3000 Miles

I shall just stare at this picture until I feel better.

I think I’m cracking under pressure. Or at least I was.
Last week was an utter misery to me. It wasn’t even hectic, I just felt like it was. God knows how many times I cried alone last week. For a moment I thought I couldn’t take it,  but I made it through in the end. I feel so tired recently, the late nights and early mornings is draining my energy slowly.

I thought things were getting better, but I guess not. Little things like these reminds me of all the flaws I have. I try so hard to forget, but life just won’t let me. Why can’t the issue leave me alone? I don’t like it when people tell me to embrace my flaws and to reveal them proudly. Revealing and embracing it isn’t going to solve my problems magically. My problem was never the reason to began with, not that I bother to tell people that. I’m just so tired of explaining to people again and again, what they think I want and what I really want is not the same. Not to mention that I will just get misunderstood again anyway. I’m so tired of being told by people to take more care of myself due to reasons, so tired missing out on opportunities, so tired of missing school, so tired of giving up on things, so tired of being found out, so tired of explaining over and over, and finally so damn tired of coming up with stupid excuses as to why I do certain things.

I don’t know why I’m getting so worked up over this. Is it because I’m seeing the doctor again tomorrow? Or is it because I have to give up something I was looking forward so much to on Tuesday because I have yet another doctor’s appointment? And end up burdening people to find a sub for me at the eleventh hour. Or is it simply the fact that I have been to the doctor’s for more than 6 times (and many more to come) alone this year? Probably all of the above.

The fact that I’m constantly missing lessons and CTs are so damn near that I just can’t…I don’t know how I’m going to handle. Maybe I should request to take one year break from school do they even allow that  if plans from the doctors are actually even being carried out. Oh look, yet another sacrifice again.

I know I should try to be optimistic during times like these, but I can’t help being so bitter. So here’s an apology for the amount of bitterness coming from me to whoever who read this post.

“I’m so tired I never want to wake up again. But I’ve figured out now that it was never them that made me feel that way. It was just me, all along.”
Maggie Stiefvater, Forever


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