Twenty

I’m turning twenty soon.

I know many things happened in this short life of mine yet I felt like I’ve never start living my life at all. When I was much younger, I had this image of what I’d be like when I’m 18…20…25. Yet now as I look myself, I don’t see the person my 13 year old self to expected to see.

I don’t deny it. I’ve been held back by things I cannot control, things which are my fault and many other reasons that I definitely hold responsibility for. I’ve been trying a lot lately. To think positively, to be that amazing 20 year old that my 13 year old self would be happy to see. It’s a learning process, a to be seen model which I cannot guarantee to continue upholding.

I have a lot of flaws that I see in myself everyday. On good days, I don’t seem to mind them. But on the bad days, my flaws defined me. I’ve been trying. Really. On those bad days, I’d look at the mirror and point out what is it that I don’t like about myself. Can I fix it? Can I not fix it? I am actively trying to fix the things (which can be fixed) I don’t like about myself. Yet it is hard to do so as well because the flaws that are not fixable are the very things that weights me down like an anchor. And then I’d think oh then what’s the point of trying if I know I won’t feel better anyway? 

But one day, I had a realization. Dealing with one’s insecurities is a daily battle. There are many days where you will win and then are those days where you lose. But the important thing is, don’t let your insecurities define you and your character. In which case, you’d already lose the battle forever.

Well okay I already digressed but anyway cheers to my twenty!

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