When the doctor suggested a procedure to “improve your life” as he so aptly called it. You thought to yourself that this is it. This procedure was, you believed, going to give you your tabula rasa in life.
Following the years, perhaps even till now, you had looked forward to this moment –believing that this procedure was going to change your life. Now, if anyone happens to be reading this expecting that you, somehow along these 9 arduous years, figured that you don’t need the procedure or that you no longer want it- they are mistaken.
You would like to make it clear that though your problems are obviously not the best, it isn’t the worst either. You won’t die if you don’t go through with the procedure, you will just end up living up like you’ve been doing for the past twenty years.
It’s true that the 11 year old you had a different perspective in life back then. The 11 year old you wanted acceptance from society, parents and friends. But as you grew up, made amazing friends, gained more knowledge of the world. You gradually found out that society standards aren’t everything. You grew to realize that no, you don’t need to have surgery to be accepted by those around you. However, there is someone out there that won’t accept you and your flaws.
You know you know, the whole “love yourself” shtick. Blah blah you’ve heard it all. You have had 9 years to do it. Nope, doesn’t work. Now, this is not about self-esteem. It is not that you don’t love yourself. You’re sure you love yourself like what every normal girl/guy out there. But you’re not John Legend and you sure as hell don’t love all of you and your edges. You’ll just skip over this entire chunk of your sob story to remind yourself that you don’t appreciate missing out certain finer things in life and neither do you want to cater your life around an inconvenience. Because screw you life, you don’t want to have to live that way.
You want to pick up Muay Thai, take equestrian classes and hell, enjoy the damn wind underneath the hot sun instead of facing down to the ground hoping the wind would stop. You’re done living your life catering around your problems. You don’t actually hate the sun or sports, you just hate the fact that you can’t tie your hair up. And then whenever you find a way to tie your hair, you get questioned about the weird way you tie your hair almost every time. You never got the chance to join a sports (or least participate 100% of you without fearing your hair) CCA. For 10 years, you had to have your hair short because of school regulations. The 11 year old you had to deal with living a life bending around the problems.
Most of all, you’re tired of having to have your hair down whenever someone is over at your own house. Why am you still hiding your problems despite being in the comforts of your house? Whenever you have sleepovers with your friends, there are times where the first thing you did in the morning is to touch your hair – just to see if you didn’t expose your flaw in front of everyone else.
But you’re a coward. You can’t live a life with complete honesty. To your friends who always said they understood, don’t mind and that you can be yourself when you’re with them. The problem doesn’t lie with them, it lies with you. You’re the one that is uncomfortable. You’re the one that, ironically, cannot accept yourself and your flaws.
You don’t have a thick enough skin and you mind what others say. You have had met people in your life that made fun of you and your problems. But what killed you the most are people who gave you sympathy. It implied that you lack something which causes them to feel bad for you. It bothered you to no end and you’ll admit that catching a glimpse of sympathy from your peers and family has brought you more tears compared to the assholes that made fun of you for it. But deep down, you know that it is true that you lack something. The truth hurts and that’s why you cried harder at night. But as time goes by, you will eventually know that everyone has flaws, yours are just a tad more obvious.
What the doctors call it an improvement to your life, you call it a brand new start for you to live a life without fear. But know that whatever pain you go through as you start this painful procedure, you fully deserve it because you are not strong enough to accept all of yourself. You had many roads laid out in front of you and yet you picked this one.
Don’t regret it.